tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-66062772644506756142024-02-01T23:14:56.443-06:00seeking synchronylauryn caryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09697568990860422196noreply@blogger.comBlogger22125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6606277264450675614.post-68112639032146548962012-07-20T13:28:00.001-05:002012-07-20T13:29:26.931-05:00SS-A, SS-B, KCS, CRT, SED, ANA, GERD, IL-1, TNF-a, Fc IgG = SLE, RA, 1-SS, 2-SS, MS (?)all those letters, they actually mean something (well, lots of things). in fact, they're all related to each other and to <a href="http://seekingsynchrony.blogspot.com/2012/05/its-all-about-perspective.html" target="_blank">this post</a> from a while ago regarding my health. since then a few things have changed. as some of you have noticed, i've been around a whole lot less. my body is upset and if i want to have any hope of making it to work as scheduled i pretty much have to spend all of my down-time resting or sleeping. (yes, i know it sucks.)<br />
<br />
first off, i'd been suspecting for quite sometime that i have more than just hyperthyroid and discussed the possibility with a few doctors. but after the one who initially diagnosed me moved i had trouble finding one who listened. none of them were able to grasp the scope of my complaints let alone connect the dots. then one night last summer i ended up in the emergency room and the doctor who i saw (really listened to me then) suggested that i get tested for lupus, ms, and other autoimmune disorders.<br />
<br />
since then i've put off having further testing and have been treating my symptoms individually (which will ultimately be the plan i end up with a more comprehensive diagnosis anyway). but in the meantime had my bi-annual eye exam which sort of changed everything.i learned that i have very dry eyes. i'm missing two of the three layers of moisture that we rely on to keep our eyes free of debris and lubricated.<br />
<br />
it is now very likely that instead of the more common/well-known autoimmune disorders i have sjogren's syndrome, which means that i have inflammation in response to my body not recognizing and then attacking its own cells mainly in my mucous membranes. when this happens all of my systems could be (and usually are) stressed. due to all of this i will be seeing a doctor (who i know and trust) shortly after i move. hopefully he will be able to get the results quickly as whatever i have has started to impact my day to day life.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a>when i share this with people it can sometimes feel like they don't really understand. many times i have heard "but you're one of the healthiest people i know." or "you don't look like you're sick!" (i do want to say that there are a bunch of people who listen and are super supportive and i don't discount that at all. i actually appreciate it very much.) it seems that i've either done a terrible job explaining it or people just don't understand how serious this has become...so i thought it'd just be best to write it out.<br />
<br />
here is an overview of what i have been experiencing:<br />
<ul>
<li>dry eyes; gritty, red, burning</li>
<li>dry nose; sore, bloody, crusty</li>
<li>dry mouth; gums bleed, sores</li>
<li>dry throat; scratchy, cough </li>
<li>dry skin</li>
<li>sore joints</li>
<li>muscle aches</li>
<li>nerve pain</li>
<li>bruises easily </li>
<li>digestive issues</li>
<li>swollen glands </li>
<li>insomnia</li>
<li>extreme fatigue</li>
<li>hyperthyroid</li>
<li>racing pulse</li>
<li>shallow breathing<b> </b></li>
</ul>
(before you read further, i'd like to say this: my symptoms wax and wane and aren't always as intense as they are right now. but, i never really feel like they go away. and it is different from day to day. literally. when they aren't too bad i maybe am bothered by one or two things but one little trigger can start a ripple effect and suddenly i'm completely useless. then my body is so busy trying to fight itself off that i become incapacitated.)<br />
<br />
specifically my right arm is an issue. pain radiates in electrifying waves from my shoulder down to my finger tips and sometimes it even goes the other direction across my shoulder-blade, up my neck, and down my spine. at times it shoots like lightening bolts and when this starts to happen it becomes difficult for me to do things like type, hold a fork, or pretty much anything else that involves using my arm or hand. the more repetitive a task is the harder it is for me to sustain for any length of time.<br />
<br />
if i try to keep doing something through the pain it gradually becomes the most intense pins and needles i've ever felt. then my arm feels swollen but it isn't and i then can't really feel anything but a slight pressure change when i touch something. i can't grasp or hold onto anything for more than a few seconds. i either have to put it down because of the pain or i drop it. needless to say i've been learning how to use my left hand (in an attempt to reduce the number of broken dishes). <br />
<br />
as soon as the pain is that bad i stop being able to sleep normally which starts a cycle of fatigue and insomnia. i eventually get to a point where i'm so tired that i lay in bed for most of the day. but then i end up awake half the night. or i am up and doing stuff all day which exhausts me and i feel like i could fall asleep instantly if only my body didn't hurt so intensely. when i haven't slept it feels like my heart begins to race and my breathing becomes more work. <br />
<br />
when i'm laying down my legs feel sort of like they are floating or detached some how. (it is really weird, i know.) usually the only time that i can feel them is when they are throbbing and achy. periodically it feels like i can feel my pulse all throughout my body, but especially in my legs. usually when that happens it sort of feels like everything is numb but incredibly painful at the same time (which i know doesn't really make much sense at all).<br />
<br />
obviously the dryness is also an issue. i'm currently using lots of good oils on my skin, drops in my eyes, drinking as much (water and tea) as humanly possible, sucking on unsweetened lozenges, and brushing my teeth with coconut oil and baking soda. as far as my digestion is concerned, when i stick to foods free my allergens (dairy, eggs, wheat, yeast, mushrooms, corn, and soy) i am okay. but as you can imagine, that poses challenges in and of itself (especially as i am also a vegetarian).<br />
<br />
oh yeah, i forgot to mention that i get this really awesome thing called "brain fog" which basically means i don't always remember where my thoughts are going, sometimes i jump around from idea to idea, and i forget lots of details. it feels like i am going through the motions on auto-pilot, which poses problems when i'm supposed to be at my job doing things or when i'm interacting with others (especially new people). i also find that it makes it incredibly hard for me to absorb new information or alter my routine (ack! school.)<br />
<br />
as you can imagine it has been pretty intense over here. and as much as i'd like to be a part of the super awesome thing you're going to or even just come over to your house and hang out, sometimes that isn't possible. and the more i try to go against my body it just pushes back even harder. so please don't take it personally if i decline your invitation, miss your call, or forget that we were supposed to meet up. i am doing the best that i can, i promise.<br />
<br />
<i>while i was writing and editing this post i ended up back to see the doctor. i was feeling pretty dizzy and fainted (i'm not sure how long i'd been out when i woke up, but i was on the bathroom floor). on top of that i've been feeling short of breath and was pretty much exhausted and hurt all over. he did a cardiac exam and tested my reflexes and then they took some blood. it turns out my kidney, liver, and thyroid tests were just a bit off. additionally, my pulse was 52 and my blood pressure was elevated (especially for me. </i><br />
<br />
<i>since he wasn't my primary care physician he didn't do much but tell me my lab results and that my pulse/bp puts me at risk for a heart attack (so to stay off my feet and get lots of rest). i still have a lot of questions. later today my mom is going to come and pick me up. i will be back in jamestown this weekend and probably for a bit next week. hopefully i can get into the doctor while i'm there and get some answers. </i>lauryn caryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09697568990860422196noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6606277264450675614.post-59904364315277950382012-07-14T16:32:00.000-05:002012-07-14T16:41:04.167-05:00rape is funny. you know, because it's true (not 'ha ha' funny).On Thursday evening I <a href="https://www.facebook.com/lauryncary/posts/382947301761202?notif_t=share_comment" target="_blank">posted this on facebook.</a> And unfortunately there was a "friend" who felt the need to speak out against it. I responded (as did a few others) and that seemed to be enough; until the middle of the night when the post was hi-jacked by four guys acting just like Tosh and the other comedians (which makes sense as a few of them tell jokes on a stage while holding a microphone). Needless to say, I un-"friended" them, deleted the comments and carried on with my day. But I've had some time to think about it and I'd like to say this:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-size: small;"><b><i>People deny the holocaust as well; that doesn't mean it never happened only that they are not ready to cope. </i></b></span></blockquote>
Women fear rape. It is true and probably appropriate for them to do so because statistically it is pretty likely to happen to them. To this point there are many who do so because it <i><b>has</b></i> happened to them (even though rape is grossly under-reported 1 in 4 women have been sexually assaulted, in my experience it is actually more like 1 in 2). How does this happen? What systems are in place that enable men to rape and oppress women? Why aren't more people upset or acknowledging that it happens or talking about it? What in the hell can we do to fix it?<br />
<br />
In my experience, whether they acknowledge it or not, a good majority of women's interactions with men are a result of "rape culture" or things associated with it. Especially things like outward appearance/self-image, dating rituals, and interpersonal relationships. (FYI: just because you personally don't accept something it does not mean it is untrue.) Women are taught to let the man take the lead and be timid when it comes to intimacy, as if they are just along for the ride. Society says that women shouldn't make the first move because they wouldn't want to give the wrong impression or appear easy. Men get to control our sexuality and dictate how it is expressed.<br />
<br />
Women are also taught to be aware of their surroundings. They are conditioned to constantly assess likelihood that they will be harmed or violated. If they do not, it is their own fault for being irresponsible. It is their fault for not defending their body (you know, because the rapist is really never responsible for his inability to control himself). They are also taught that the sexier they dress/act the more it appears they are inviting an attack but all the while the media tells them that they are only valuable if they are sexy and desirable. These are confusing messages which place blame on the victim. It is very possible that her own guilt will make her less likely to report the rape, which compounds the issue for her personally and society as a whole.<br />
<br />
Ultimately women are taught to fear men who they see in alleys or when they are outside at night. This is bad for both men and women...you guys aren't all rapists and we shouldn't have to fear the good guys because there are a few douche-bags out there. But when you guys spend all sorts of energy supporting and defending them it is hard to believe that you really get it, even just a little. It pretty much seems that you're on their side. That you like rape, what it does to women, and how we as a society function because of it. If not you could just say "No, it wasn't okay that he joked about that woman being gang raped." Or even just "I'm sorry that he said that." That would make us all feel a lot better (probably enough that we wouldn't have to rant about it on the internet). <br />
<br />
As someone who has been raped I can say that I will never forget that experience. I will always be conscious in someway that others have the ability to fuck my shit up completely if they so wish. I know and will remember what it feels like to be at someone's mercy. The twisting and turning that happens in my guts when I think about it will never be funny. Not to me and hopefully not to anyone else.<br />
<br />
As a "survivor" I wish that I didn't have to explain why this is a problem. I'd like for you to understand that if you aren't part of the solution you're a part of the precipitate. It isn't really that hard of a concept to grasp. Women deserve to not be raped. For that to happen society needs to send a message to rapists. This shouldn't be pushed onto the shoulders of victims, we already have enough shit to carry around. You can stand up and speak out against rape-culture. You can help us with our load, our burden is to heavy to bear alone.<br />
<br />
For those of you who insist on joking about rape. This <a href="http://jezebel.com/5925186/how-to-make-a-rape-joke?tag=danieltosh" target="_blank">post on Jezebel</a> will help you do it an not sound like a total asshole by most people's standards. But please remember just like "you can say whatever you want" it is important to remember so can your audience. And as I recall, no one has said "hey you can't say that" they've just been saying that it isn't funny and that it does more harm for humanity than good. Most people I know, myself included, are all for individual rights and want you to have freedom of speech. But that also means that we don't want you to say that we can't have the same right. It is not okay for anyone to say what another person can find offensive or take away their right to express it. (That sentiment right there. That is oppression. You are trying to say that we don't deserve the same thing you do. Fuck you for that. I will not take your shit anymore. <u>IT IS NOT OKAY!</u>)<br />
<br />
So, even if he was joking about the woman being gang-raped...it wasn't funny because she felt threatened (which yes, is probably more the result of our culture than the "joke"); however, most rape jokes are an issue because instead of challenging the fucked up nature of our society they accept, encourage, or trivialize it. The complexity of the issue increases when you start to think about the percentages of male and female comedians and <a href="http://www.salon.com/2012/07/13/male_comics_stop_enabling_rape_culture/singleton/" target="_blank">the prevalence of rape jokes</a> (perhaps women don't think it is funny but since that seems to be a big chunk of people's material they don't necessarily see themselves as funny or think they'll be accepted so they don't even try?). Additionally, it is hard to ignore Tosh's history as a proprietor of rape-culture(as illustrated by his <a href="http://jezebel.com/5925751/daniel-tosh-reportedly-scrambling-to-find-non+rape-joke-before-new-show-premieres-today?tag=danieltosh" target="_blank">half-hour rape joke special</a>). It seems like he's a repeat offender. <br />
<br />
Rape is gross, messy, and painful. Just like people of color do not need to be reminded of racism constantly because they still deal with it on multiple levels women do not need to be reminded of the fact that you could violate them at any point because society pretty much takes care of it 24/7. Making jokes about rape that blame victims, trivialize, or sexualize it are a part of why it is generally accepted by society in the first part. You may think it is just a joke but ultimately it becomes a tool used to silence victims. Period. <br />
<br />
<br />
Also on Facebook, comedian W. Kamau Bell wrote:<br />
<blockquote>
For the
record I’m anti-heckling & anti-rape but I’m waaaaaay more anti-rape
than I am anti-heckling. (If I have to choose. And
apparently I do. Weird.) If every comic had to spend every minute of
every set being heckled but nobody was raped, I’d be ok with that.</blockquote>
<i>To understand this post better you could research: systematic oppression, the wage gap, privilege, and the dynamics of sexual assault. Rape isn't about sex, it is about power. It is about fear, intimidation, and control. Also worth reading is <a href="http://www.foreignpolicy.com/articles/2012/04/24/what_sex_means_for_world_peace" target="_blank">this post</a> about the status of women and peace.</i>lauryn caryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09697568990860422196noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6606277264450675614.post-10681685763859632512012-06-30T18:24:00.002-05:002012-09-09T13:30:47.014-05:00growing pains<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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bare branches</div>
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give way to</div>
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buds – soon</div>
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leaves dance</div>
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in the wind</div>
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unpinned.</div>
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<br /></div>
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bits of moss</div>
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grow on my </div>
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trunk atop the</div>
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rings concealing</div>
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my heartwood.</div>
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deep down i go</div>
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underground – </div>
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rooting around</div>
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consuming. </div>
lauryn caryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09697568990860422196noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6606277264450675614.post-28664213296579019702012-05-17T13:12:00.002-05:002012-05-17T13:21:10.791-05:00envion(mentalism) - part two: foodto me, being an environmentalist influences every aspect of my life. i have talked about it in previous posts and most of my friends and acquaintances know that it is important to me to have the least impact on our environment as possible. this means that i have made a lot of modifications and adjustments to reduce, reuse, and recycle (amongst other things). i believe that small changes are a good place to start but to make a difference you really need to reevaluate everything you do, buy, or make. it means thinking about the products you buy, how many times they've changed hands, and how many miles they've put on.<br />
<br />
food, for example,
usually changes hands multiple times before it ends up in your shopping
cart. it is really difficult to say what the first step in food
production is these days, but i'm going to start with seed production
(and possibly a seed wholesaler and retailer). after seed production
comes planting and harvesting. the food then goes to a wholesaler,
distribution center, then retail store. and that is just for whole food
item that does not require processing. many items broken down into
their basic elements or altered, then put together into products, and
packaged before going onto the wholesaler.<br />
<br />
each of those
steps requires energy, time, and effort from people and consumption of
our resources. however, you are able to drastically alter the number of
steps between farm to table that your food must take. first and
foremost, there are usually local farmers markets and produces stands in
every region. many urban areas have thriving local agriculture - some
of which is even produced within city limits. these producers often
take the time to research where the seeds they use are coming from and
the impact of their distribution. the beauty of going to these markets
is that you get to interact with them directly and can ask them about
the issues that matter to you. they are usually excited to talk about
their practices and enjoy that you care about what they do.<br />
<br />
secondly,
you can join a csa (community shared agriculture). this option
includes all the benefits of your local farmers market, however it is
conveniently put together in a box that you pick up weekly (some may
offer drop-off service as well). last year i was a part of a one and i
loved it. however, you pre-pay which means you're taking the risk with
the farmer. if something happens to slow production (weather, pests,
etc.) you may get less than you were expecting. while this did happen
last year, i think that the cost was on par with the local grocers (on
good to average years you will certainly save money). i also talked to
the farmer about his seed choice and it turned out he'd been researching
which tomatoes had the best flavor and nutritional content. (it is
amazing how much they take their customers into consideration!)<br />
<br />
thirdly
you can shop at your locally owned grocers, co-ops, and specialty
stores. there are often options for locally produced meats, grains,
cheeses, dairy, eggs, honey, maple syrup, baked goods, and even
sometimes fresh roasted coffee. if there aren't local options
available, these stores have more control over the products they stock
and will often seek out products by request. it helps if you have other
people with similar interests start asking for locally produced items.
they will supply what you're 'demanding'. <br />
<br />
speaking of
co-ops, there is an awesome online version that is not quite as nice as
a local store where you can go, touch, smell, feel, and interact;
however, it does have some of the other benefits (low prices, reduced
environmental impact, bulk options/less packaging, natural and organic
products). they often run specials and give huge deals for buying huge
quantities. i get things like sugar, rice, beans, quinoa, popcorn,
oatmeal, nuts, seeds, and other non-perishable items from them. i save
fifty percent on the one cereal i like enough to buy periodically.<br />
<br />
which
brings up a huge point. one of the most important changes i made was
buying food items, not food like products. while i don't have a maximum
ingredient list number i am very conscious of them and due to my
allergies always look and try to limit. i purchase mostly whole foods;
in addition to the bulk items listed above i typically have on hand
fresh or frozen produce, regional raw/organic cheese, peanut butter,
olive and coconut oil, some sort of pasta, tortilla chips, and a dairy
alternative. periodically i treat myself to a chocolate bar, ice cream,
or mac n cheese. i almost always get a kombucha, but my next project
is to experiment with brewing my own.<br />
<br />
additionally, i have made my own nut butters (but sometimes buy them in glass jars) and i started
roasting my own coffee beans that i purchased them from a retailer who gets
them directly from the importer. currently i'm saving the money to get
my own 'milk maker' which turns seeds, nuts, and grains into milk using
hot water, pressure, and a grinding mechanism. for now, i'm okay with
the few products i buy. however, i plan to research more to see what
the environmental impacts are of the options that are available.<br />
<br />
and that is just food.lauryn caryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09697568990860422196noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6606277264450675614.post-49135003417038093712012-05-17T12:54:00.000-05:002012-05-17T13:20:42.028-05:00environ(mentalism) - part one: introductionso the title of this facebook note is a little misleading <a href="https://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=10150177778729872" target="_blank">what's my toothpaste tube made of and is it trying to kill me? OR how an (environ)mentalist celebrates earth day</a>. it is not so much about what i did on earth day (although i do try to find some sort of project and if the weather permits attend the earth day celebration at msum). what the post is describes is my dedication to environmentalism through changes to my daily habits and routines. some people call these quirks, others probably believe they are a result of some sort of mental disorder; however, i believe they are a reflection of my values. i take my impact on the global community seriously and like to think about how everything in my life came to be.<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>"In the future I plan to find a hemp or bamboo shower curtain, buy wicker
laundry baskets, buy non-plastic toothbrushes, replace my plastic
hangers, and replace my plastic storage bins. (Don't worry, when I say
'replace' I mean wait until necessary or find used and cheap.) Also,
deodorant that isn't in plastic...does it exist? What about face soap?
Thinking about my art and craft supplies makes my head hurt so badly I
pretend that they don't exist more often than not. To me, tackling them
seems like trying to climb Mt. Everest."</i></blockquote>
<br />
I did find a shower curtain, two of them, actually. And I'm not sure what they are made of, but I got them both for free (both off the curb...one after a rummage sale one during clean-up week). But, since I picked them it doesn't really matter what they're made of since keeping stuff out of the landfill is always green. Plus, they are cloth, not plastic so that is good too! Also, I have a wicker hamper in the bathroom now and just need another basket and I'll be plastic laundry bin free.<br />
<br />
So far, I'm still using facial soap that comes in a plastic bottle...but that's just because I'm still using the same giant container that I had when I wrote the original post. I think I know enough now to just make my own. Same with deodorant and toothpaste.<br />
<br />
As far as crafting is concerned I've basically shifted my focus to eco-friendly endeavors like re-purposing. Here is a photo of my latest creation (this piece was donated to the FMCBW's Art in Action silent auction and fundraiser).<br />
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<br />lauryn caryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09697568990860422196noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6606277264450675614.post-85085936281738485252012-05-04T20:42:00.001-05:002012-05-17T13:20:00.610-05:00its all about perspective.<i>the following post contains information about my illness. it is not something that i have shared with many people but please know that if you are just finding out about it now i have not been trying to hide it. honestly, at this point i am just not really sure how to approach it without feeling like i'm trying to give an excuse or seeking some sort of attention or special treatment. if this is the first time you've heard about it please understand that it is a difficult subject for me to bring up even though i'd really like to. not only because it feels good to relate to others but it impacts my life quite a bit and knowing what i'm dealing with will definitely help you understand a few things.</i><br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a>a few fridays ago i attended the membership drive kick-off event for <a href="http://prairie-roots.coop/" target="_blank">prairie roots food co-op</a> and for many reasons it was a wonderful event. the room was so full the crowd spilled into the hallway and it seemed like quite a few people signed up for memberships. it seemed very much a success to me. however, my intended topic has more to do with a few people i met and how our brief conversation helped change my internal monologue.<br />
<br />
there was a lovely couple chatting with a few of my friends. on my way out i stopped to say hello and introduce myself. we started having a conversation and soon i was given this bit of wisdom "sometimes illness is a way to help us recognize that we are going down the wrong path." at first i resisted and tried to come up with an argument but during my attempt to discount this i found myself discovering how true it was and validating her point. after reflecting upon the last few years i came to realize that almost all of my major decisions and changes have been because of illness. <br />
<br />
it all began one fateful day when i went into work only to be sent home immediately by my boss. she thought that i didn't look well and clearly indicated that there was something wrong with my eyes. i didn't feel sick but accepted the bonus day off and left for home. the next day when i returned the first two people that i saw said that they thought my eyes were really strange and that i didn't look well. i went to check in with my boss and she sent me home again and suggested i go into the clinic. i took her advice and found out that i have a condition called hyperthyroid.<br />
<br />
it is caused by some sort of autoimmune disorder and therefore stress of any kind irritates it and sends my health into a downward spiral. unfortunately at the time i was working at a homeless shelter that provided services to women and children. needless to say it was stressful more often than not. on top of that i was working, on average, about 60 hours a week. after struggling for a few months to regain my health while continuing to work there i conceded and put in my notice.<br />
<br />
i did my best to resist what seemed to be inevitable. i loved my job and was starting to feel successful and could see outcomes. i had been making change and very exciting things could have happened had i been able to stay. luckily i was able to find another position at a non-profit that was less intense but still had impact; unfortunately it was part-time and temporary.<br />
<br />
at the end of last summer i was thrust back into the service industry after a nice little break. at first i was able to maintain by working two part-time serving jobs; however, this quickly took its toll on my body and by the end of the year it was clear that i needed to reduce my hours. subsequently, since january i've only been working between 20-30 hours a week. luckily my lifestyle allows me to live quite cheaply. <br />
<br />
unfortunately, my need to reduce my daily-activities not only impacted my employment. i frequently find myself at home in bed instead of going to community events. this is not a reflection of my intentions or interest but only of my inability to expend extra energy. i sometimes feel guilty for not being able to do what i'd like to and even more so for backing out of things at the last minute, and (even though i know it is for the best) for saying no to things i'd really like to do but know i can't. <br />
<br />
at the end of the month it will be one year since i resigned and i'm not really in a better place physically and am in a much worse place financially (how is that even possible?!). i continue to make sacrifices because i'm unable to do "normal" things. now that basically every part of my life has been dramatically impacted by my illness i have decided that it is time for another big change. which you can read about <a href="http://seekingsynchrony.blogspot.com/2012/04/moving-back-is-moving-on.html" target="_blank">here</a>.<br />
<br />
now, back to the cute little couple i mentioned earlier and the statement about illness alerting you to change your path. i am thankful that through trying to disprove her point i was ultimately able to understand. it really helped me to view this in a different light. with that said, i'm not sure that i'll ever be able to say that i'm glad that i'm sick, but i am glad that i have some sort of trigger that goes off letting me know that i need to reassess the situation and alter my path. (it probably goes without saying, but i am also very grateful that without knowing it i was doing everything i needed to and even though where i'm at now was not where i thought i'd be, i'm excited about what the future holds and can't wait to see where it takes me.)lauryn caryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09697568990860422196noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6606277264450675614.post-4343583777507958292012-04-26T22:21:00.000-05:002012-04-26T22:21:11.579-05:00rough around the edges: a trio.<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
these couldn't be hotter off the press.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
enjoy.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<3 </div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
it crept in through
the shadows</div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
and rooted around as i</div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
escaped to greener
pastures.</div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
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in hopes of
preservation</div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
i approached with
caution</div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
but still was
overcome.</div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
now that i can feel
it growing</div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
perhaps it will
blossom</div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
and soak up rays of
sun.</div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
…</div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
currents chase down
my spine</div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
as my stomach turns
circles</div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
kickstarting my
heart.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
the blushing begins
and</div>
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beads of sweat appear</div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
after sparks turn to
fire.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
cracking from the
pressure</div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
my body splits in two</div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
as the eroded tethers
crumble.</div>
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…</div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
a rusty chain hangs
over the edge</div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
clinging but barely hanging
on.</div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
each time the gears
grind </div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
another link is let
loose.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
freedom has its
downfalls</div>
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soon each one shall
learn.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
but inching forward
keeps</div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
them quiet, even as
they break.</div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
only if you listen
closely</div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
can you hear their
weary cries.</div>lauryn caryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09697568990860422196noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6606277264450675614.post-23451447511811515412012-04-02T13:11:00.000-05:002012-04-02T13:11:37.995-05:00moving back is moving on?so, after a year of not really doing much other than messing around and having fun i have decided to do something a little more productive. although it does feel a little like i'm doing a two-step as my plan to move forward with my education includes moving back to jamestown and going to valley city state again (only for a year or so). my plan is to finish up a few classes and retake others to get my grade point average up and then start applying for graduate programs. i hope to end up with some sort of advanced degree. (maybe in environmental communication?) of course, i will keep you posted on the details of all of this as they unfold. <br />
<br />
at the moment i'm still not sure when this will all happen. as it stands, i've re-applied for the temporary position that i held at charism's camp mccormick last summer. this year the focus is going to be on gardening and without knowing that i submitted a list of gardening project ideas with my application. since i held the position last year, because of my interests (gardening, environmentalism, food justice), coupled with my future plans give me lots of hope that i will be hired back. (lets hope so because how awesome will that look on my grad school apps?) if that happens i plan to move in august. if, for some reason, i do not get re-hired i'm not sure when i'll move, but it will probably be sooner than later.<br />
<br />
anyone who really knows me understands what a difficult decision this has been for me...not because i've spent a lot of time talking about it, but because they know how i feel about living there. don't get me wrong, there are many things about jamestown that i adore (mostly people that live there) but there seem to be a disproportionate amount of things about the place that i find despicable. needless to say, i'm going in with the attitude that this is a means to an end...not my end. <br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
i plan to focus on school, work on lots of creative things, and really only engage with a few people (basically the list consists of people that i continued relationships with after moving). i hope that i will be able to stay somewhat active in a few communities and continue to work on some of the projects i've started in the f/m area. that means that i'm going to begging you to let me crash on your couch from time to time. also, i'm probably going to want a few of you to come and visit me. i will need some sanity. <br />
<br />
because i've been trying to sort all this out, i've sort of let a few things go for the past few weeks and plan to rectify that by continuing my series on women who inspire me by posting one piece each month this year. additionally, since april contains my favorite holiday, earth day, i plan to post a lot about environmental activism and gardening. in conjunction with earth day, f/m food not lawns will be having its first meeting (<a href="http://fmfoodnotlawns.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">click here for more info</a>). <br />
<br />
so, over the next three or four months i'm going to be going back and forth a lot between fargo and jamestown. i'm going to be packing, planting, and planning. eventually i'll resettle there temporarily with the intention of moving far, far away to figure out how i can have more impact on the environmental health of our communities. wish me luck!lauryn caryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09697568990860422196noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6606277264450675614.post-60883847552748841842012-03-19T11:46:00.005-05:002012-03-19T11:54:08.769-05:00in search of the perfect (vegan) burger.perfecting the vegan burger has been one of the most difficult kitchen tasks i've taken on. this, however, is probably my own fault as i may have a tendency to set my expectations too high. basically i'm looking for a patty that i can mass produce that includes a variety of fresh veggies, seeds, nuts, beans, and a grain; a burger that is delicious on its own and able to take on a variety of seasonings; they need to stay together enough to eventually be grilled; and also hold up to freezing. i started this process last summer and planned to continue working on it until i had it figured out, but mother nature has been working against me. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-WnWqmefuWks/T2ZHyxZqlbI/AAAAAAAAAP8/W1NnWR4zwMM/s1600/burgers+1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-WnWqmefuWks/T2ZHyxZqlbI/AAAAAAAAAP8/W1NnWR4zwMM/s320/burgers+1.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">the first step of my journey.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<a name='more'></a>during the growing season most of what i consume is fresh, organic, local
produce - a majority of which i am lucky enough to harvest myself. what
i do not pick from my small garden is grown friends, family members,
and other local farmers who i've become familiar with. i frequent the
farmers markets for special treats (jams, pickled
items, and more exotic produce) and am a member of a local csa which keeps my crisper full the
standard fare (zucchini, onions, greens, tomatoes, squash, and herbs). the sheer amount of foods available forces me to become a cooking (and gardening) machine. by mid-july they are the only activities that i find myself doing during what little 'free' time i have.<br />
<br />
unfortunately my interest in food diminishes greatly throughout fall and is nonexistent for most of winter. once i run out of frozen tomatoes, my supply squash, and what little canned goods i acquired i generally stop caring about what i eat. my focus shifts from being satisfied (with taste and nutrition) to feeling full (of mostly carbs and calories). needless to say, i stopped trying to figure out a burger about mid-september. however, spring is once again here and i will back to having access to fresh food, therefore it is important for me to
find creative ways to preserve it to help balance my diet from season
to season.<br />
<br />
so, not only do i want these burgers to be healthy and delicious, i also
want to be able to make a huge batch, then break it down into smaller
portions, season them differently; and then cook, package, and freeze
them separately. bulk production will allow me to stock up on food for the winter, being able to have a base that tastes good on its own, but also can take on other flavors (curry or taco seasonings anyone?) will help to keep tastes varied and me interested in eating them. as added bonuses it will also save me time and finally give me something quick and easy to
bring to barbeques and camping trips throughout the summer!<br />
<br />
the process is pretty involved and time consuming therefore i have them far less often than i would like. by the time the rice and beans are cooked, veggies are processed, 'batter' is made, and patties are baked you've dedicated about three hours to making them. i often find myself wanting to eat one but don't have the time or energy, they are not something you want to throw together after a long day of work - for me they are definitely a day off project. <br />
<br />
the basic parts are: a grain, a pulse, mixed veggies, seasoning, and a binder. what i've found works best so far are wild rice, lentils, corn, carrots, celery, garlic, and a paste made of broth/veg juice and flour and nut/seed meal. <br />
<br />
one night this week i made rice and beans as a side dish and made extra to turn into burgers the next day. i put aside about a cup or so of the mixture. it was equal parts lentils and thai red rice cooked in two parts liquid water with salt, garlic, and some dried herbs. (i find that lentils and rice can be cooked together and because of this they are my legume of choice.)<br />
<br />
the next day,when i was ready to make them, i shredded a carrot, stalk of celery, and three cloves of garlic. then i picked the pulp up and squeezed the juice out, if you don't want to squeeze it by hand, use a strainer and the back of a wooden spoon to press it. i added the pulp to a large bowl with the lentils and rice and set the liquid aside for my binder. then, to the rice, beans and veggies i added in some chopped green onion (the white parts only), about 1/2 cup frozen sweet corn, and a paste made from five sundried tomatoes (rehydrated and blended with the hot water i used to soften them).<br />
<br />
then i added 3/4 cup water and the veggie juice (about 1/4 cup) to a saucepan and heated it over medium until it started to steam. i added about a 1/2 cup ground oats and 1/4 cup chopped seeds (hemp, pepitas, sunseeds, and flax - you could probably use nuts if you like). i stirred them together until it looked like porridge or thick batter. i added this to the veggies, rice, and beans; mixed it all up; and popped it into the fridge to cool and set a little. while i allowed that to cool i preheated the oven to 350 degrees.<br />
<br />
about a half hour later i took the mixture out of the fridge, washed my hands, and covered them lightly in oil. i divided the mix into five equal parts and made them into patties. i placed them onto my pizza stone and then put them into the oven. i baked them for about a half hour and then turned them and put them back in for fifteen or twenty minutes.<br />
<br />
overall i was really satisfied with this batch. so far it has been the only one to hold up to cooking. i believe that they would reheat well on the grill or in a frying pan (they are even good cold). last night i topped them with roasted onions and served them with home cut fries and roasted green beans. i probably ate more than i needed but since it was made from fresh, whole foods i don't have to feel guilty (a much better feeling than when i realized i've eaten an entire box of rice mac 'n cheese).<br />
<br />
i will continue to work on improving this process and eventually post the recipe with detailed step-by-step instructions and photos. in the meantime i am going to enjoy experimenting and testing out different veggie and seasoning combinations.lauryn caryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09697568990860422196noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6606277264450675614.post-20937040844412947172012-03-08T21:50:00.002-06:002012-03-08T21:50:12.003-06:00iwd 2012: connecting girls, inspiring futurestoday i'm taking part in <a href="http://www.genderacrossborders.com/blogforiwd/" target="_blank">the third annual blog for international women's day event</a>. in this post i plan to <u><b>(a)</b></u> discuss how can we, as a culture and as members of the global community, involve, educate, and inspire girls in a positive way and <u><b>(b)</b></u> describe a particular organization, person, group or moment in
history that helped to inspire a positive future and impact the minds
and aspirations for girls.<br />
<br />
<u><b>(a)</b></u> this was way more difficult than i could have ever imagined. to be completely honest, when i signed up for this i thought i would identify a few things i do that have impact and then easily tell you how and why i do them. however i could only think of really lame examples and while i could create an entire post explaining how technically 'setting a good example' fit the parameters it felt like totally lame whenever i tried to start writing...especially considering people are constantly doing things that make an actual difference. <br />
<br />
obviously i needed to find out where women like me fit into the equation. i needed to find my role. but, before i go any further, i feel i should elaborate, that you should know what i am actually <i><b>like</b></i>. i view myself as a reluctant adult. i am a single, kid-free, multifaceted woman who is not following a one-track carer path. i am creative, caring, and conscious. i am community
capacity builder who truly believes that it is her duty to involve, educate, and inspire. i am a feminist.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a>since i'm not a mother it feels like i am really out of touch with what girls are interested in, so much so that becoming involved with one of their activities seems impossible. (how does one become a girl scout leader? is that still something young girls even do anymore?) i'm not religious so being a sunday school teacher or youth group leader is out and with my athletic ability pretty much any type of sport is also off the table.<br />
<br />
without putting in serious thought and effort i can't think of a socially accepted system and easily accessible that will allow me to positively change a girls' life. (even google has a difficult time finding 'ways to empower girls' that do not focus on the mother-daughter relationship or working in education.) <br />
<br />
to figure that out where i fit i went back to reflecting on my day-to-day life. march is women's history month and i'm working on a series of posts about the exceptional women my life so i've already been thinking a lot
about how their actions influence my life. for this post i started to connect the dots in hopes of finding similar behaviors, attitudes and values.<br />
<br />
it turns out that (as lame as it is) i was pretty much right. they are all simply really good role models. they live their lives the way they want, express themselves, and embrace their idiosyncrasies. they were dedicated educating themselves. they do whatever it takes to get things done; they juggle their personal and professional lives while still managing to make time for their passions. they contribute to their communities in compassionate and creative ways. even in unlikely places and in the face of adversity they manage to thrive (not just live) outside of the box.<br />
<br />
i found that they had quite a bit in common even though each operates a bit differently. no matter how they function they are able to give me the space i need to learn, explore, and grow. they all possess a seemingly endless supply of patience and are respectful, accepting, and understanding. they celebrate differences, embrace diversity, take into account other perspectives, and change lenses frequently. they have found their voice and are not afraid to speak out for what they believe in.<br />
<br />
i began to wonder what i learned from them. what habits/traits did i pick up? how do their actions impact my life and how i operate? they forged their own path and found their true passion so in theory i could do the same by following suit. i needed to find the answers so i began to think about what i do to involve, educate, and inspire myself - about the actions i
take that make me feel like i am an empowered member of my community both
locally and globally. <br />
<br />
then i thought about what inspires me to take action. eventually this lead to me thinking about my core values and beliefs. i am an activist and support many local humanitarian and creative efforts. i spend time working on food justice and environmental issues. i have spent a good portion of the last decade working and volunteering and working in the non-profit world (serving primarily with women and children who were domestic violence and sexual assault victims and/or homeless). i constantly work to promote equality and diversity. basically i do everything in my power to eliminate injustices. i work for peace.<br />
<br />
i find that being a part of these different activities help me find people who are also <i><b>like</b></i> me. subsequently i have built up a community of <i><b>like-minded</b></i> individuals to i surround myself with. they are supportive, energizing, and help activate me. these individuals possess many of the same traits as the influential women in my life. they have become central to my life and I feel like don't know how to be <i><b>me</b></i> without being a part of <i><b>them</b></i>.<br />
<br />
my intention from this point forward is to think about how i can be more involved with and focus on making sure that the girls in my community who are <i><b>like me</b></i> have a place where they can feel comfortable enough to be themselves find their voice. i want them to feel safe and accepted; to give them space and time explore and grow. i owe it to them and to the women who are my guides, mentors, and friends.<br />
<br />
<u><b>(b)</b></u> thankfully, the second topic was a little easier for me. as i was recently asked to help (in a very minor way) with an amazing community event that definitely inspires a positive future and impacts the minds and aspirations for girls. needless to say, i couldn't help but write about the evening and the girls and women who take part.<br />
<br />
for fifteen years deb jenkins and the women who put on '<a href="http://www.debjenkins.com/celebrationofwomen.html" target="_blank">the celebration of women and their music</a>' have been dedicated to creating an enriching environment for girls surrounding an event that not only showcases regional female artists but also helps introduce younger artists to more established women who become their mentors. this creates an educational environment and promotes growth.<br />
<br />
the organizers also give out financial awards that are much different than traditional scholarships. recipients are able to use the money for anything they'd like; instead of buying books or paying for fees and tuition they could buy a new instrument, equipment, supplies, wardrobes/costumes, etc. this allows the young ladies to determine what their priorities are and decide what barriers they would like to eliminate. <br />
<br />
from my perspective the show, its organizers, and performers truly embody empowerment.lauryn caryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09697568990860422196noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6606277264450675614.post-13075300338399643552012-03-04T13:40:00.001-06:002012-03-05T18:49:00.695-06:00these women are my village (part one)in honor of <a href="http://www.nwhp.org/whm/history.php" target="_blank">women's history month</a> i am working on a series of posts about the women in my life who have shared skills and knowledge, given me opportunities, and inspired me. coincidentally this fits quite nicely with this year's theme: <a href="http://www.nwhp.org/whm/2012theme.php" target="_blank">women’s education – women’s empowerment</a>. i have worked with (or for) many of them while others are friends or family members; some i'm connected to both professionally and personally. i feel lucky to have encountered these powerful women who give me hope and aspirations. my intentions and ideals are their collective reflection. <br />
<br />
i am grateful that they allowed me to learn from their experience and absorb their wisdom; without their influence and guidance i truly do not know where i would be. i have no doubts that this is deeply rooted in their shared ability to encourage me to explore and sometimes test boundaries (to find myself). because of this i do my best to remember how they have helped to change my perspective and attempt to frequently use the tools they have given me. my actions are their echos.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.blogger.com/goog_1140791248" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://images.publicradio.org/content/2012/03/01/20120301_baumgardner1_33.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://minnesota.publicradio.org/display/web/2012/03/01/dara-women-chefs/" target="_blank"><span id="lightbox-image-details-caption" style="display: inline;">chef andrea baumgardner (ann arbor miller for mpr news)</span></a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
to kick start the project i'd like to give a shout out to <a href="https://www.facebook.com/GreenMarketKitchen?v=info" target="_blank">andrea baumgardner</a>. last year i had the pleasure of working with her at <a href="http://www.greenmarketcater.com/" target="_blank">the green market kitchen</a>. unfortunately it wasn't very often or for long but i truly enjoyed every minute of it. the way she operates her kitchen and her demeanor are a refreshing change of pace. she is far and away one of the best chefs i've ever met. <br />
<br />
i definitely recommend eating there the next time you go out for dinner; but be sure to make reservations as they have limited seating and are quite popular. once you taste her food it will immediately become obvious why - it is always impeccable.<i><a name='more'></a></i><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>Baumgardner has a great story: She
grew up in Fargo, came to the Twin Cities to go to Macalester, went to
cooking school in San Francisco, cooked at Chez Panisse, and opened the
hottest restaurant in Los Angeles of 2001, Cobras and Matadors. One of
the owners was from the rock band Tool. </i></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i></i></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>Baumgardner decided to return to
Fargo, because the quality of life is, as she told me, charming. Her
restaurant is open Wednesday through Saturday, she serves North Dakota
grass-pastured beef and lamb, chickens from a Hutterite colony in
Hawley, Minn., and has enough time in her life that she gets to see her
three-year-old.
</i></blockquote>
as dara moskowitz-grumdahl of <a href="http://minnesota.publicradio.org/" target="_blank">mpr</a> stated, andrea uses fresh, local, organic ingredients (and does food trades for in-house credit with producers). she so full of passion and drive that she managed to figure out a way to be a chef in a way that works for her (and her adorable little family - who make frequent stops to the kitchen while she works). food isn't just her job, it is her life and she wants to share it with her community.<br />
<br />
because i was a server i did not get to spend a lot
of time in the kitchen while andrea was preparing food but still managed to
soak-in quite a bit
about the dishes she was offering, their ingredients, and her methods;
she happily answered all my questions and often took the time to discuss
their cultural and historical significance. she did a wonderful job ensuring that everyone learned about all different aspects of food service.<br />
<br />
when you're at the kitchen it is easy to see the impact of her professionalism and dedication. everyone spends an enormous amount of
time and energy to ensure that each customer enjoys every bit (and bite)
of their experience. whether it is a catered event or dinner for two
at the kitchen andrea exemplifies excellence in every way and expects
the same from her employees. she is
simply amazing (and so is her food). <br />
<br />
as their name suggests the green market is aware of their environmental impact and they actively try to reduce their waste. some efforts include using biodegradable packaging, recycling, reducing, and reusing. each summer they partner with <a href="http://www.probstfieldfarm.org/" target="_blank">probstfield farm</a> to help promote regional organic agriculture and producers. available year round are locally sourced retail items such as farm-fresh eggs, 'good butter', honey, and housemade baked goods & flax-seed crackers. as bonus their menu often features gluten-free, vegetarian, and vegan options (other accommodations may be available upon request: scratchmade = control).<br />
<br />
when you're there for dinner be sure to save room for cookies, tarts, and frozen
desserts because even though andrea didn't fit into the full-time
pastry box it does not mean she can't whip up a delicious dessert. (if i think hard enough i can still taste the local beta grape
sorbet she made this summer.) also don't forget to check out their cheese case as they have the best selection in town (ask to have a few samples before you decide which to purchase). also, you may want to keep in mind that if you go early enough on saturdays you may be able to get your hands on one of their famous orange rolls or brett's bagels (i hear both are 'to die for').lauryn caryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09697568990860422196noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6606277264450675614.post-3274178796071144862012-03-02T18:01:00.001-06:002012-03-02T18:01:50.258-06:00blogging for iwdthis year will be the first time that i officially participate in <a href="http://www.internationalwomensday.com/">international women's day</a> and although it is not in the way i originally intended i very am happy to be a part of such an awesome event. hopefully next year i can (remember to start planning earlier and) pull together a community celebration of sorts. (next year keep you calendars open and eyes on the <a href="http://redravenespressoparlor.com/">rrep</a>'s event calendar.)<br />
<br />
in lieu of a group celebration, i've decided to join bloggers, <a href="http://genderacrossborders.com/">gender across borders</a> and <a href="http://care.org/">care</a> by participating in the third annual blog for international women’s day event. this year's theme is “<strong>connecting girls, inspiring futures</strong>” and participants are asked to write about either or both of the following:
<br />
<ul>
<li>how can we, as a culture and as members of the global community, involve, educate, and inspire girls in a positive way?</li>
<li>describe a particular organization, person, group or moment in
history that helped to inspire a positive future and impact the minds
and aspirations for girls.</li>
</ul>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.genderacrossborders.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/blogforiwd.new2_.logo_.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="296" src="http://www.genderacrossborders.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/blogforiwd.new2_.logo_.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">international women's day is a global day celebrating the economic,<br />
political and social achievements of women past, present and future. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
additionally i may do a post on the united nation's theme: <b>empower rural women - end hunger and poverty</b>. in my opinion food justice issues and feminism go hand in hand; and, as a former food pantry manager, ending hunger and poverty are two things i am very passionate about.<br />
<br />
even though this seems like a bit of an undertaking, it is something i am also very excited to be a part of and i'm excited to write about both topics. maybe you will join me?lauryn caryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09697568990860422196noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6606277264450675614.post-7309580947502086222012-03-01T10:01:00.001-06:002012-03-01T10:01:41.354-06:00i'm huge (on the internet).i had a great weekend full of activities, art, and awesomeness. i can't imagine having had time for one more thing and i truly enjoyed every bit of it (even the sleep deprivation part). weekends like this make fargo feel like the little city that could. (they also light a spark under my ass and help transform me into some unknown motivated individual who laughs in the face of procrastination and laziness - this alone demonstrates their power.)<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/429402_10151330040640587_515470586_23180467_1413719695_n.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/429402_10151330040640587_515470586_23180467_1413719695_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">i came unglued @ the plains art</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
thanks to the lovely ashley morken, who turned her vision into reality (and caught me on camera), you can see that i had a great time (and bought a few things) during <a href="http://www.blogger.com/goog_441033606">unglued craft fest</a> at the plains art museum on saturday! <i><b>sidenote:</b></i> this photo (of me enthusiastically talking to meg barker of <a href="https://www.facebook.com/megbarker#%21/pages/pLum-Accessories/366194229898" target="_blank">plum accessories</a> about her license plate keychains) is the cover of the official <a href="https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10151329980575587.808540.515470586&type=1" target="_blank">event photo album on facebook</a>, which means my mug is plastered on the log in page of everyone whose friends or liked pages share it - yay! (i mean, honestly, who doesn't want a picture of them with two chins and their mouth wide open all over the internet?)<br />
<a href="http://ungluedcraftfest.blogspot.com/" target="_blank"><br /><a name='more'></a></a><br />
anyhow, lets go back to the beginning...on thursday morning i remembered that i had ordered vegan, wheat-free red velvet cupcakes (made with real beet extract coloring) from my friend casey at <a href="http://www.loveintheovenbakery.com/" target="_blank">love in the oven bakery</a>. lucky for me the pick-up location for her made to order baked goods is at <a href="http://beingecochic.com/" target="_blank">eco-chic boutique</a>. while i was there i talked to maria, the store's owner about maybe selling a few things there. she said she'd love to see samples so i'll be working on that and hopefully sharing good news over the next few weeks.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-q6oDbnrGzvM/T0vUK3UzWGI/AAAAAAAAAPs/WSkGcB-GLBA/s1600/cupcakelove.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-q6oDbnrGzvM/T0vUK3UzWGI/AAAAAAAAAPs/WSkGcB-GLBA/s320/cupcakelove.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">cupcake love </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
later that afternoon i attended a lecture (leveraging diversity: how we can use our differences to improve our world) with a fellow creative community capacity builder. while neither of us had the math
background to understand everything that <a href="http://www.cscs.umich.edu/%7Espage/index.html" target="_blank">dr. scott e page</a> presented we definitely caught onto the concept (diversity=ability). i'm excited to see what other opportunities <a href="https://www.facebook.com/pages/NDSU-Advance-FORWARD/123188811045481" target="_blank">ndsu advance forward</a> has to offer. <br />
<br />
after that i was invited to a screening of 'third side media' presentations (think guerrilla storycorps) done by students studying media and diversity at msum who worked with a group that i am a part of (who received a <a href="http://www.blandinfoundation.org/what-we-do/grants.php" target="_blank">five-thousand dollar grant</a> that was a result of a <a href="http://ledc.blandinfoundation.org/" target="_blank">leadership conference</a> i was invited to by my aforementioned cohort). i was impressed by the student's ability to convey emotion and communicate their intended message while being engaging and entertaining. they got to decide their subject, medium, and the length of their projects and each one was uniquely profound. i can't wait to continue working with #teamhashtag over the summer (and possibly folks over at <a href="https://www.facebook.com/pages/CENTRO-CULTURAL-DE-FARGO-MOORHEAD/186244999738" target="_blank">centro de cultural</a>). <br />
<br />
after that was over i went home and cooked, cleaned, and crafted. but that didn't last long because a friend (who recently returned to university and is definitely trying to get everyone to act like a co-ed again too) convinced me to go to the hodo lounge to see a few bands. even though the band that i really wanted to see, <a href="http://jakedilleyandthecolorpharmacy.bandcamp.com/" target="_blank">the color pharmacy</a>, was done by the time we got there i was super glad that i got to catch <a href="http://www.bigtreebonsai.com/" target="_blank">bigtree bonsai</a> for the first time (and will definitely be making a point to see them again). i had a great time drinking and dancing in my chair while enjoying their bluesy-rock with four-part harmonies. yup, they are the first band that i've seen hold off taking shots to ensure that they were on and it did not go unnoticed. <br />
<br />
after work on friday (which was waaaaaaaaaay harder than i would have liked) i went home and got ready to go to <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frozen_%28play%29" target="_blank">frozen</a> at <a href="http://www.theatreb.org/" target="_blank">theatre b </a>with a friend who was visiting from out of town. after ushering and enjoying the show we headed to the drunken noodle for some comfort-food. but, since i'd had a bit too much the night before (and not enough sleep) we decided to call it a night after that. but the fun didn't stop there! we went back to my house and got a little silly and may have come up with a viable storyline for a childrens book. eventually we were able to stop making up non-sense and go to sleep...which was a good thing because we had to get up early for breakfast and a craft-fest! <br />
<br />
on saturday morning we work up early-ish and headed over to <a href="http://hpr1.com/cuisine/article/authentic_mexican_grocery_now_serving_breakfast" target="_blank">la unica for breakfast</a>. unfortunately they were out of corn tortillas and don't make gorditas anymore (i'm doing everything in my power to change that...so if you go, ask them about their availability) - anyhow, our breakfast was just papas a la mexicana and huevos a la mexicana in a bowl with a fork. since i didn't get a tortilla i treated myself to a few bites of eggs (yum). we even splurged on a coke made in mexico from real cane sugar. i have to say that the food and drink was the perfect combination of spicy and sweet!<br />
<br />
after we filled ourselves up we went to <a href="http://plainsart.org/" target="_blank">the plains art museum</a> to checkout <a href="https://www.facebook.com/ungluedmarket" target="_blank">unglued</a>. i really enjoyed seeing all the local crafters and their work. i wanted to buy everything but exercised my self-control (yes, i have that). i didn't have as much money to spend as i would have liked, but i was able to buy a few small things from a few different artists and will definitely be looking on etsy for a few of the things i saw later on. i hope that ashley and company can continue the event (and maybe even get a permanent store front?) - definitely keep your eye out for future events and continue supporting local artists and makers!lauryn caryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09697568990860422196noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6606277264450675614.post-45945721697691315672012-02-26T09:36:00.000-06:002012-02-26T09:36:01.596-06:00baby, let's get dirty.<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
today i started doing research with the intent of form a local gardening
activism group.<span> </span>i have been trying to
find a niche for myself and this may just be it.<span> </span>i will be researching, networking, and
planning over the next few weeks and hopefully will be able to set a date for
an informal meeting to gauge interest and .<span>
</span>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
last winter i read "<a href="http://www.foodnotlawns.com/about-us.html" target="_blank">food not lawns: how to turn your yard into a garden and your neighborhood into a community</a>" by heather flores
and have itching to do something ever since.<span>
</span>but because i was setting up my own garden (for the first time after
moving) i was way too busy to organize anything (or anyone) else. <span> </span>however since my yard is already a garden i should
be able to focus on turning my neighborhood into a community this year.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-hofJzqvvSeU/T0pPGV13WjI/AAAAAAAAAPc/H6IRpRoFW14/s1600/gardenboom2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-hofJzqvvSeU/T0pPGV13WjI/AAAAAAAAAPc/H6IRpRoFW14/s320/gardenboom2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">how i plot.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
</blockquote>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<a name='more'></a>i have visions of seed-bombing and square-foot/container workshops,
bike garden tours, skill and food sharing, permaculture/planting style discussions,
community education about and promotion of local legislation and incentives to
grow food (or allow it on your property), seed exchanges, and really anything
else that falls under the umbrella of with urban farming (and possibly food
access issues).<span> </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
i need to develop an infrastructure, write a vision
statement and other information for media, find a meeting space and hopefully a
few others who are interested in helping to spearhead this.<span> </span>if i get as much done today as i hope i will start
a facebook group.<span> </span>it seems like i have a
lot of the details running around in my head so it should only be a matter of
pinning them down and putting them on paper.<span>
</span>if you have any ideas about this or are interested in joining me in my efforts, please contact me at <a href="mailto:laurynwhitmer@gmail.com">laurynwhitmer@gmail.com</a>.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
look for more information about this soon!</div>lauryn caryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09697568990860422196noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6606277264450675614.post-50257344554026205722012-02-25T15:01:00.002-06:002012-02-25T15:01:42.793-06:00delicious and healthy pizza? yes please!it has been about five years since i found out my allergies and until
this last summer, pizza was pretty much off limits. for a while i could
tolerate it periodically but eventually i had to completely exclude
yeast from my diet. so, with the exception of one very painful trip to
pizza luce, i hadn't had a slice in three years. now, after about six
months of messing with my gluten-free, yeast-free crust recipe i'm
finally ready to share it. <br />
<br />
here is a photo of my latest creation: roasted sweet potato & squash with kale and sharp cheddar. (i would have preferred feta with this one but organic wasn't available - sad day!)<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9LWoF9pUGBE/T0ZP_ktcELI/AAAAAAAAAOs/QGL7Z0foFjY/s1600/a+slice.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9LWoF9pUGBE/T0ZP_ktcELI/AAAAAAAAAOs/QGL7Z0foFjY/s320/a+slice.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">just a slice</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<a name='more'></a>once
again, i forgot to stop for photo ops...oops! i swear my next post
(about food) will be the pizza crust recipe broken down step by step
with photos. also, this was a two day process, but it doesn't have to be.<br />
<br />
the first step in cooking this pizza is
to roast the squash and sweet potato 'chips' (aka veggie pepperoni). i did this the night
before because i was making kale chips and had a little extra time. i
sliced the whole squash, then cored and peeled the slices (turning them
into rings). i drizzled them with olive oil and seasoned them with
black pepper, sea salt, and garlic. then i baked them at an unknown
temp for an unknown time (i suggest 400ish until they are golden brown
and soft - sorry, this is how i do things). <br />
<br />
then i sliced the sweet potatoes (two small ones) into very thin
chip-like rings. i tossed them with olive oil, salt, pepper, and a tiny
bit of cayenne and baked them at 350 for 10 minutes, flipped, and put
them in for another 5-10 minutes. i like them sort of crispy to munch
on (they get soft again if you put them in the fridge).<br />
<br />
i also seasoned my tomatoes and cooked them down a
bit. i found a hidden bag of frozen tomatoes from my garden in the back
of the freezer so i thawed about a cup of them. when they were soft i pureed
them and then cooked them down (in a sauce pan, on medium low...for how long,
i don't know). i added sea salt, garlic, pepper, red pepper flakes, sun-dried tomatoes, and dried basil. i like to let the seasonings soak into the sauce over night (or longer) if possible so everything is really spread around.<br />
<br />
the next day, i made the crust using:<br />
<ul>
<li>1 1/2 cups gluten free flour (my mix: brown rice, chickpea, coconut, and buckwheat<i>*</i>)</li>
<li>1/2 cup fresh ground seeds/nuts (my mix: flax, hemp, pepitas, sunseeds)</li>
<li>1-2 tbsp sugar or alternative (i love using honey!)</li>
<li>1 tbsp olive oil <br />
</li>
<li>1 tsp baking powder (aluminum free)</li>
<li>salt, pepper, and herbs to taste (i adjust this all the time)</li>
</ul>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>*buckwheat is gluten-free and not related to wheat; if you use it your crust will get darker faster</i></span><br />
<br />
i mix all dry stuff then add in the wet and stir until well
incorporated. after that i slowly (by the tbsp) add about a half cup of
tepid water. stop adding when the dough forms a nice, solid ball on its
own when you stir it with a fork. then i sort of kneed it to make sure
that everything is moist and that it is solid. i pat it into a smooth
ball, cover it with a tiny bit of oil and set it on the counter for
about an hour or so. (be patient, you can pick up the slices if you
do!)<br />
<br />
after an hour (or more) has passed preheat the oven to 450 (yes,
that's right). then you can press the dough onto a lightly oiled pizza
stone; i always make sure that the dough isn't sticking by peeling it
back a little but be careful not to tear it. you can make yourself a
thin or thick crust, but the thin cooks up nicer in my opinion. after
you've got it into the shape and size you want, lightly brush the crust
with olive oil and pop it in the oven for about 10 minutes. it is
important with this crust to let it get a hard 'shell' before you top it
with sauce otherwise it will be super soggy. i like to wait until it
just starts to turn color then pull it out. <br />
<br />
after i pull the crust out i turn down the oven a bit - to about
350 or 375. when the crust cools a bit you can put the sauce on, top
it, and then cheese it. then it is ready for final baking, about 10-15
minutes depending on how much stuff you pile on it. after it is done
baking i suggest letting it rest for about 5 minutes before cutting into
it. the crust will continue to bake a little on the stone but it stops
it from burning.<br />
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-5LSqW6R8r94/T0ZQCnTFb3I/AAAAAAAAAO8/G1dAAfkQGiA/s1600/sweet+potato+pie.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-5LSqW6R8r94/T0ZQCnTFb3I/AAAAAAAAAO8/G1dAAfkQGiA/s320/sweet+potato+pie.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">sweet potato pie</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-TxUQ-_gMsF0/T0ZQBGSTpWI/AAAAAAAAAO0/hCe8tJJFaY8/s1600/sqash+%2526+kale+layer.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-TxUQ-_gMsF0/T0ZQBGSTpWI/AAAAAAAAAO0/hCe8tJJFaY8/s320/sqash+%2526+kale+layer.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">roasted squash and kale layer</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-pJwd-LTWqkw/T0ZQEF36hAI/AAAAAAAAAPE/e_Udv0BY1AI/s1600/whole+pie.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br /></a></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-V2MBsRAOC8U/T0ZQG56tCKI/AAAAAAAAAPM/gSOTR2Y8cgA/s1600/with+cheese.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-V2MBsRAOC8U/T0ZQG56tCKI/AAAAAAAAAPM/gSOTR2Y8cgA/s320/with+cheese.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">extra sharp cheddar</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-pJwd-LTWqkw/T0ZQEF36hAI/AAAAAAAAAPE/e_Udv0BY1AI/s1600/whole+pie.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-pJwd-LTWqkw/T0ZQEF36hAI/AAAAAAAAAPE/e_Udv0BY1AI/s320/whole+pie.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">nom.nom.nom.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />lauryn caryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09697568990860422196noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6606277264450675614.post-49036976134889035932012-02-23T08:13:00.000-06:002012-02-23T08:13:21.108-06:00is that a chip or a vegetable?this is sort of a follow-up to the last post about food. i was trying to figure out how to add in some photos but i got them uploaded and decided that they deserved their own post. however, i'm not great at remembering to stop for photo ops (yet) so i am missing a few steps but everything is pretty self-explanatory. <br />
<br />
in the spirit of full disclosure, i'd like to say that i eat these regularly (once to twice a week) and i never get sick of them...plus, they are healthy so you can feel good about eating them! <br />
<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
i started making these about a month ago. they are (in my opinion) the easiest snack i make and they also happen to be one of the tastiest. i suggest buying two bunches of kale if you're going to try this (because you're going to need some more a day or two later). you will also need a cookie sheet, olive oil for drizzling and your choice of seasoning (salt and pepper for sure; i like to add cayenne and garlic). you should definitely try all sorts of combinations. my next venture is going to be salt and vinegar!<br />
<br />
once you have everything together, preheat the oven to 325. then start tearing the thick center-ribs out of the kale and discard them. as i'm doing this, i usually tear the leaves into bite-sized pieces and throw them into a strainer. i like to rinse them in cool water and then let them sit draining for a bit. since i don't have a salad spinner (or patience) i take a plain white kitchen towel, lay it flat on the counter, dump the kale in the center, fold up the corners to make a pouch, and then shake it. this removes pretty much all the water and what is left i dab up with the dry parts of the towel after shaking. <br />
<br />
when the kale is dry, transfer it into a large bowl, drizzle with olive oil (1-2 tbsp) and season lightly. i use tongs to toss everything making sure that the kale is evenly coated. i then put the kale out onto a cookie sheet in a single layer (i don't spend a lot of time worrying about this - shake it a little to spread them out). at this point, i like to re-season them so i'm sure that each chip is a little salty and spicy. after this put them in the oven for 5-8 minutes. then remove from oven, turn using the tongs, and finish baking for another 5-8 minutes. the kale should change color a bit and the chips should be crunchy!<br />
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-3Lgrup2bxAU/T0ZC_iL-LNI/AAAAAAAAAOU/_OHwc9mVt8w/s1600/whole+kale.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-3Lgrup2bxAU/T0ZC_iL-LNI/AAAAAAAAAOU/_OHwc9mVt8w/s320/whole+kale.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">the whole bunch</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-_5aiuEoT5Kw/T0ZDA9lQ6HI/AAAAAAAAAOY/5oRLmmyEpoU/s1600/strained+kale.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-_5aiuEoT5Kw/T0ZDA9lQ6HI/AAAAAAAAAOY/5oRLmmyEpoU/s320/strained+kale.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">center-rib removed, torn, and in the strainer to be washed</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-80kA33BmUc0/T0ZDCWisojI/AAAAAAAAAOg/EhQXhydjPvI/s1600/kale+chips.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-80kA33BmUc0/T0ZDCWisojI/AAAAAAAAAOg/EhQXhydjPvI/s320/kale+chips.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">eat me.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />lauryn caryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09697568990860422196noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6606277264450675614.post-86840917646283158672012-02-22T08:36:00.000-06:002012-02-22T09:00:31.281-06:00something to chew on.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
since i said that i would be writing lots of posts about food
i feel like i should start - otherwise you may begin thinking that my life does
not revolve around it. well, let me
assure you that it does indeed. because
this is my first post about food i feel like it is imperative that i explain a
few things about how i eat and why. my
relationship with food is complex and ever-evolving. as you will learn, i have always been taught
the value of 'good food' so many of my habits were set long before there was a 'food
movement'. (thanks mom!)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
some of my first memories involving food deal with food
co-op in jamestown, nd. i was a child and spent most of the time
playing with other kids. however, because
of the food co-op i got to eat 'junk food' like fruit leathers, sesame sticks
(aka cheetos), and herbal 'soda'; obviously delivery days were something for
me to look forward to. to this day i still
indulge in most of these treats and find my comfort foods in the health
section. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
my mother intentionally raised children who refused to eat
colored cheeses (milk is white not orange, folks) and were never treated to
fast food (the only exception: ice cream).
we attended farmers markets religiously during the summer growing
season. she feed us meat from animals
that were raised by people we knew or would form relationships with if they
weren't already close friends or family members. there was never really 'kid food' at our house
and somehow we managed to still be happy, healthy, and 'normal' (hah).<br />
<a name='more'></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
early in my adolescence i decided to stop eating meat and
was lucky enough to have a parent who supported me and respected my right to
decide what i put into my body. it was
easy since meat was rarely the focal point meals and they regularly vegetarian. over the years i went back and forth between
eating vegetarian, pescatarian, and occasionally organic, free-range, and
hunted meats. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
eventually (during a period of eating meat) i started to
have issues with my digestive tract and after months of extensive testing (and
no diagnosis) the doctors suggested an elimination diet. after which they decided that i had a protein
intolerance, like lactose intolerance; then suggested that i try and eat plant
based proteins as they are more simple and therefore easier to breakdown. so, back i went back to being a vegetarian. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
soon i started having other symptoms, mainly weight-gain and
migraine headaches; i weighed around two-hundred pounds and was regularly on
narcotic pain medication. it was
becoming harder and harder to function normally and my college course work (and
daily commuting) was becoming an issue. during
on of my frequent visits to the emergency room the doctor suggested allergy
testing. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
i made an appointment with an allergist and two-weeks later
went in for pin-prick environmental testing and a blood-draw for food
allergies. it turns out that i am
allergic to almost every grass, tree, weed, flower, dust, mold, and animal
there is; the doctor told me that she'd never seen anyone react as badly to
anything as i had corn-pollen. because i
live in the land of ethanol-plants and feed-lot grain she suggested i
move. (i've done the research; there are
few places in the u.s.
with minimal corn production.)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
in addition to the environmental/seasonal stuff she told me
that i needed to eliminate eggs, wheat, yeast, mushrooms, and liquid dairy.
(which means i can still include the solid bits of heavy cream and products
made from it - yay!) basically i was
being forced into veganism or a variation on it.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
if you know anything about me, it is probably that i don't
really like being forced to do anything.
(i'm all about free-will, baby.)
so i decided that i would eat almost vegan at home; allowing myself only
minimal amounts of organic cheese. however,
i realized that at times i would need to be flexible. i decided that i would treat myself now and
then to high-quality seafood and fish (only if i'm out for dinner, at someone's
house, or having company). if i hadn't i
would end up eating alone a lot…and what good is food if you can't share it with
others?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
to break it down simply my diet now consists primarily of:
beans, nuts, seeds, wheat-free grains, veggies, and very little soy. most of my food comes without packaging in
its raw state. i cook things from
scratch on a daily basis. i only buy
organic. a typical shopping list
includes: coconut milk, steel cut oats, beans/lentils, steel cut oats,
nuts/seeds, raw milk cheese, popcorn, and veggies (frozen, fresh picked, or
from farmer's market). </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
because i love veggies, grains, and legumes this has always
been pretty easy for me. (if you haven't noticed yet, fruit is absent from this
list as i tend to only like peaches, mangoes, and cherries and they have to be
perfect for me to enjoy them.) the only
times i really struggle are during large gatherings/holidays and when
traveling, but over time i have learned how to cope (mostly by packing lots of homemade
snacks and side-dishes). </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
i have also learned where all the natural, health-food, and
gluten-free stores are. i have networked
with the local food producers, frequented farmers markets, joined a csa, became
an urban farmer, and local food activist.
i have connected with my community in more ways than i ever imagined
possible. i have found inspiration and
support in strangers, some of whom have become integral parts of my daily life.
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
i have spent hours researching health, nutrition, farming,
environmental issues, and biotech. i am
certain that i am healthier not only because i avoid my allergens but also
because i eat as much organically grown food as possible. i am aware of the dangers of ingesting
chemical-laden herbicides, pesticides, fertilizers, and genetically modified
organisms. these substances challenge
our body and after extended exposure may cause major system disruptions (and
cancer). </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
i am certain that most of our current health (and
environmental) issues are due to the industrialization of food production. we are no longer concerned with taste,
nutritional content, or growing methods and have shifted our focus to cost and
constant availability. i believe that
the solution is simplifying and returning to our roots. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>i "eat food.
mostly plants. not too much."
<i> </i></b><br />
<b><i> m. pollan - in defense of food: an eater's manifesto.</i></b></div>lauryn caryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09697568990860422196noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6606277264450675614.post-91683474642486553082012-02-20T11:32:00.000-06:002012-02-20T15:27:41.327-06:00one-hundred things that make me happy (seriously happy)<br />
i found this old document in a folder named 'in progress' so i must have meant for it to be fluid (as it has always contained 100 items). i kept the orignial but there were definitely things that have changed since writing it five or six years ago (mostly involving food - hah). anyhow, i'm sure that my original intent was to remind myself (and those in my life) of all the things that i could do to improve my <a href="http://the-happy-side.com/hq.php" target="_blank">personal happiness quotient</a> and maybe get a little motivation from time to time as well. this seems like an appropriate venue for this piece so let's get happy!<br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 10pt;"><a name='more'></a></span><br />
<ol start="1" style="margin-top: 0in;" type="1">
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">family</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">friends</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">puppies</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">photographs</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal">writing</li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">recycling</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">honesty</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">listening</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">cuddling</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">loyalty</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">textiles </span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">alliteration</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">vegetables</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">backrubs</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">collaboration </span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">volunteering</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">daydreams</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">crosswords </span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">poetry</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">fresh-ink</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">bumper-stickers</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">first kisses</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">handmade anything </span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">thick socks</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">clean sheets</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">found objects </span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">holding hands</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">being grateful</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">helping people</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">spring rainstorms</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">culinary deliciousness</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">inside jokes</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">christmas day</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">rummage sales</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">riding bike</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">playing cribbage</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">people watching</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">finding resolution</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">sending postcards</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">international travel</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">tasting rainbows</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">dating creative-types</span><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;"><br /></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">second-hand stores</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">community capacity building </span><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;"><br /></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">the open road</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">a friendly debate</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">my papasan chair</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">seeing live music</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">being around babies</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">protecting the environment</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">leaves changing colour</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">knowing someone cares</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">comparing book collections</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">exploring new places</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">random movie quotes</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">dirt under my nails </span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">remembering my dreams</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">men who are gentle</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">hot-tea before bed</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">never second-guessing myself</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">coffee with coconut milk</span><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;"> </span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">loving me for me</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">reading a good book</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">cooking with loved ones</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">taking long, hot baths</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">driving with no destination</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">loving those around me</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">laughing until i cry</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">gathering around a fire</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">butterflies in my stomach</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">making and appreciating art</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">being the bigger person</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">turning off my phone</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">following, breaking, making tradition</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">a feeling of accomplishment</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">making gifts for loved-ones</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">being beautiful inside and out</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">recognizing and correcting my errors</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">finding hidden humor in everything </span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">smells that remind me of something</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">living like there’s no tomorrow</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">putting my feelings on paper</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">acting like a kid again</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">blankets fresh from the dryer</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">knowing being wrong is okay</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">watching movies over and over</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">typing out the first sentence</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">dancing when no one is around</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">seeing old friends i actually miss</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">the reward after a struggle</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">singing like no one can hear</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">pictures of my parents in college</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">the smell of fresh cut grass</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">knowing no matter what, i’m okay</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">watching wheat wave in the wind</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">things that make sense for no reason</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">walking barefoot in the rain at night</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">standing up for what i believe in</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">watching people excel at what they love</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">fresh flowers, in the ground (or out</span><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">)</span></li>
</ol>lauryn caryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09697568990860422196noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6606277264450675614.post-88938451135112681102012-02-19T09:49:00.000-06:002012-02-20T15:44:12.599-06:00chastity brown<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/36u0zPitcxA?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
<br />
this song seems to fit perfectly with my last post. isn't it funny how things work? just when i needed a little light she showed up and brightened my night. thanks to chastity brown - who broke it down at "the celebration of women and their music" at the fargo theatre - words really can't explain how awesome it was to be there <3<br />
<br />
more videos from performers coming soon!lauryn caryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09697568990860422196noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6606277264450675614.post-59320962081324416822012-02-17T19:42:00.000-06:002012-02-20T13:37:19.517-06:00a defining moment<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
i have been starting this post over and over for the last fifteen
minutes or so. nothing i write seems to
convey what i want to say. i feel, at times,
that there will never be a way past this.
this isn't the first time i have sat down to write about that night. but nothing ever comes out (at least not anything i'm
satisfied with). it feels like it was
yesterday in all the wrong ways but i'm missing most of the details; everything
is out of order and blurry. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
this is the first instance in my life when it has been easier
for me to talk about my feelings out loud than to put them onto paper. i do not remember ever fluctuating so much
between trying to express and repress.
this one memory has defined my relationship with writing (and everything
else) for over five years. this is my
everest. i know the experience will
leave me bloody and bruised so i have been using my favorite coping mechanism…avoidance.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
however, keeping myself from writing means denying much more
than expression. i tend to process by writing,
reading and editing words on a page in an attempt to perfectly articulate my
experiences. so if i'm not writing i'm
not probably not dealing with it at all.
in my head writing about it will make it real. at this very moment i am terrified to dig
into the depths of my memory making a mess of things. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
five years is a long time to keep something inside. i feel like you can see it written on my
face. there is a visible difference in
my appearance; i am rigid and stiff, my skin is pale and thin, there is no
twinkle in my eye. i may as well be
wearing a billboard, although most people probably wouldn't notice the
difference - or maybe they can't be bothered to, i'm not sure which anymore. needless to say, there have been very few
people who have actually commented on my somewhat apparent transition.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
here i am sitting in front of the screen staring, reading,
and editing. a another half hour has passed and i have written four paragraphs
containing 323 words. not one says
anything about my intended topic. (fuck!)<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
…</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
i can't explain what happened that day. suddenly i melted. it came out of nowhere. it may be hard to imagine but i was just as
surprised as everyone else. the feeling
came over me in a flash and i lost all control.
i thought i was dying as every experience i'd ever had played at
warp-speed and i sat paralyzed watching, speechless. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
except, that is not really true. i was communicating verbally. through sobs came words. that is certain. and i was moving; violently, in a way most
would probably describe as thrashing. i remember your arm. i remember looking
at myself losing control in the mirror. i remember seeing the look on my
mother's face as she watched me fall to pieces from the back seat.
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
this cannot be real. i
know how to get through this. i am a
professional with almost ten years of experience helping others go deal with
this. my toolbox is full but still i
can't make it through by myself?!
unfortunately, no matter what is in my possession it will never be
enough. (fuck!) i need help. this is terrifying.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
we turn the corner and i can see our house. before i know what is happening i am inside
and locked in the bathroom.
i am hysterical. my entire shirt
is wet - covered in a mixture of tears and sweat. it is difficult to see or even open my eyes; i can feel that they are swollen and bloodshot. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
as i rock back in forth i can feel the cold, hard enamel of the tub
against my skin. each movement causes
bits of flesh to stick or peel from the surface. i want out and do my best to gain control but
minutes turn into hours and if i get up or open the door it all starts over
again. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
eventually i make it through to the next room and i see her
sitting on the other side waiting for me.
at this point she looks worse than i do and i can't help but start to
feel guilty. i had worked so hard to
keep the truth from hurting her but she was right here in agony with me. she says she's sorry and starts to cry. (this makes it worse - everything she does makes it worse.)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
now we sit and for the first time since we got home i try to
speak. most of what comes out of my
mouth is comprehensible. it consists
only of loud sobs mashed together with words.
most of it is misdirected anger.
at the time i remember being very upset with myself for not being able
to control myself enough to communicate but looking back i am grateful that
neither my mother nor my brother could understand. i was full of hurt. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
then, just as quickly as i had lost control it was
regained. i finally was able to get it
out. i was raped by my boyfriend's best
friend. it was three years earlier. we were at a party and pretty much everyone
we knew was there. it was the summer when
all we did was camp at the lake. i don't
remember why but that night we were celebrating. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
as we continued on into the night things became more and
more uncomfortable. i grew more and more
tense and eventually started to actively avoid him. he was inappropriate; he said things that
made my stomach turn and kept invading my space. at one point i even asked my friends to help keep him away
from me. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
later a few of us were in the camper. i think we were playing cribbage. i went outside to pee. he came around the corner as i was pulling up
my pants. i fought instinctively with
everything i had but there was no way for me to escape. he was huge and his hand was in my pants but it wasn't enough. what he wanted inside of was me.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
my feet dangled as he pressed his arm into my shoulders and
my back against the wall. i tried to
kick but somehow he was in control of my every movement. i lost track of time and cannot remember what happened, then suddenly
everything stopped. i went to my tent and waited, and waited.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
i wanted my boyfriend.
i needed him to make me feel safe again.
i didn't want to tell anyone but him.
but he never came. he never came
and i never left. (i found out later
that he was cheating on me with one of his ex-girlfriends.) in the morning i woke up, packed my
belongings, and left. no one else was up
or saw me leave. i hadn't seen anyone
since it happened and i wanted to keep it that way. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
when i pulled up to the house my mom was sitting on the
porch swing reading and i wanted to tell her
everything. instead i said that 'we'
had been in a fight and that was why i was upset. i felt guilty for lying to her. (that maybe the moment i entered denial). i went to take a shower and wash my
clothes. after that i slept and slept
and slept. i didn't leave my room the
entire next day.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
on monday i went into work at a support center for sexual
assault and domestic violence victims.
i wanted to tell my co-workers but it was complicated and messy. some of them were my mom's friends and/or my
friend's mom. my mom had been a
volunteer there my entire life (which made things worse). she ran the victim support group that i would
have went to. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
i felt like telling people would be an imposition so i
didn't. it was easy to keep it inside
because i was full of shame. the last
thing i wanted anyone to know was how violated i had been. if they knew i would have to relive what
happened whenever i saw them. i hated
the thought. at first i tried to be
aware of my actions and how my emotions were impacting them. i knew what to expect and would deal with
issues as needed. however, this was a
nearly impossible task; one which i gave up on.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
i grew to despise everyone.
no one understood me anymore and everything was different. i couldn't have fun with anyone and relating
on even a basic level was nearly impossible.
i started to work up the courage to tell my boyfriend. once i did that things were somewhat
better. he was (on the surface) supportive
and understanding. (later i also found
out he'd continued their friendship.) i
started to think i felt normal again.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
more time passed and i broke up with my boyfriend (when i
found out about the cheating). i moved
away, got a new job, and started a new life.
i didn't think about it or talk about it to anyone and eventually i
really felt like it didn't happen. i
thought was finally able to be happy again … that is until you reached in front
of my face and i had flashback.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
…</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
after that happened i went to a counselor. i read the books and did the things she
suggested - i counted my breaths, did yoga, and tried to re-find my center. i hated every minute of it. sometimes i'd get so uncomfortable that i'd
stop for days and then, unintentionally start practicing again (mostly to avoid
panic). i was still a mess.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
one of the things that she told me (over and over) was that
i was the only one who could tell my story - that i controlled the ending. but i did not believe her. i kept failing even though i was doing
everything i could. (how could i if i couldn't even write?) i quit trying and
started distracting myself. reasons to
write (and things to work out) popped up and finally i got to the root of
everything. it turned out i was right
(and so was my counselor). </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
this was one of the reasons it was so hard for me to seek help. i spent all those years teaching women that they had everything they needed to heal themselves, they just needed to find it. i had to learn that i too have the tools i need. when i thought they were gone i had stored them in my heart but went looking for them inside my head. i had to find them to be open and honest
about this (and everything else for that matter). as it stands, i still get tense and sometimes
can't breathe…but now i also write.</div>lauryn caryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09697568990860422196noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6606277264450675614.post-1189408612832990322012-02-14T09:44:00.000-06:002012-02-18T08:26:06.738-06:00valentine's day is for lovers.<br />
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b>deep inside (a memory)</b></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
snaking in and out of
hidden hallways </div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
seeking respite in
smoke and shadows.</div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
welcomed by a sunken
booth with </div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
open arms and a
bottle of wine. </div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
intoxicatingly
familiar – warm.</div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
over the years and
through the haze</div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
things filed away and
forgotten –</div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
all but nervous
anticipation.</div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
...</div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b>the skeleton key</b></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
you dangle helplessly
on my chain.</div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
i grasp you in my
hand instinctively.</div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
your shaft pressing
into my flesh</div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
i cannot wait to
use you – </div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
to see where you’ll
take me.</div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
upon insertion you
fill my niches.</div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
- a jiggle - a twist
-</div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
all my doors are
open.</div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
...</div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b>yes!</b></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
colors. a rainbow</div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
rushing over me.</div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
a licentious cascade</div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
bleeding and
changing.</div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
no longer definable</div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
but undeniable.</div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>lauryn caryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09697568990860422196noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6606277264450675614.post-20024830715728502902012-02-14T01:21:00.000-06:002012-02-20T15:29:22.947-06:00what does synchrony look like?<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><i>seeking</i></b>: an attempt or desire to find, obtain,
or achieve <br />
<b><i>synchrony</i></b>: an action, development, or occurrence happening or
existing at the same time.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12pt;">
<br />
so, what does that mean to me? in theory seeking synchrony is about trying
to find harmony and balance - not only with one's self but with others, the
surrounding environment, and the universe. it means living intentionally
while focusing on personal values/ideals. personally, this means
connecting with my community and working cooperatively to solve problems
creatively. it means being conscience. it means looking for answers
(and then questioning them). <br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a>my lifestyle is based on my participation in different -isms (feminism,
activism, egalitarianism, humanitarianism, anti-capitalism, environmentalism,
collectivism, idealism, romanticism, and sometimes hedonism). these words
generally dictate my day-to-day actions.
this means buying locally, organically, and seasonally; choosing to ride
my bike or walk instead of driving; or making what i can out of what i have
instead of buying a convenience item. it also may mean a lot of other
things like celebrating, collaborating, community building, constructing,
crafting, exploring, gardening, painting, photographing, protesting, recycling,
(shitloads of) reading, sewing, skill-sharing, soap-making, thrifting,
volunteering, writing, and as of this post i can officially add blogging.
<br />
<br />
i value: art, adventure, adaptability, awareness, compassion, community,
conservation, cooperation, creativity, diversity, education, empathy,
expressiveness, flexibility, freedom, generosity, growth, health, happiness,
imagination, individuality, kindness, liberty, mindfulness, passion,
partnerships, playfulness, respect, self-reliance, simplicity, thoughtfulness,
thriftiness, trust, unconditional love, understanding, uniqueness, and wonder. <br />
<br />
i anticipate exploring all of these ideas; sharing my creative endeavors;
discussing events and activities that i participate in; and lots of posts about
food. food is one of my true loves and i
spend a majority of my time thinking about, planting, tending, cooking, and
eating food. even though i'm not too into pop culture i do enjoy media of
all types and from time to time may give a recommendation or write a review;
but usually for books or music and only occasionally film and television..
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
in addition to all the serious stuff, i like to have a
little fun and take my pleasure pretty seriously. i am constantly asking
forgiveness (but never permission). i would like to own a solar powered do nothing
machine. i have dirt under my nails and stuck in my skin 50% of the year or
so. i have a black belt in haiku and tend to alphabetize lists
unintentionally. everyday i get to come home to the cutest and most
excitable grandpa-pug i've ever met. (his name is moses and he is here to set
your people free.)<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilEeyK7qCi6jM-3xfAf2m5jGEb4jc5GJPEDN55dGskhWMiY2VBBxTEXtldIFzu3HwXb94j-ndQ552aDG99GNQxGYwWp9pP-b2PXjtwxZ7ov21JvWS1-h3YwVxA5d03_q4HXieTiJ10n-8b/s1600/mos+hack.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilEeyK7qCi6jM-3xfAf2m5jGEb4jc5GJPEDN55dGskhWMiY2VBBxTEXtldIFzu3HwXb94j-ndQ552aDG99GNQxGYwWp9pP-b2PXjtwxZ7ov21JvWS1-h3YwVxA5d03_q4HXieTiJ10n-8b/s1600/mos+hack.jpg" /></a></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
wtf? where did he find a hacky-sack?</blockquote>
</div>
</blockquote>
<div style="text-align: center;">
i have absolutely no idea. </div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>lauryn caryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09697568990860422196noreply@blogger.com1